I had trouble falling asleep the other night. Mitchell (DS1) and I are going through a rough patch at the moment - all we ever seem to do is fight and argue with each other and we aren't doing that, one or both of us are crying because we are hurt and upset. He is such a complex kid - he doesn't always cope with change well, will question things constantly (and I mean CONSTANTLY) and has a hard time coping if we can't give him the answers to his questions. I have several thoughts about all that but here is not the time or place to be going through that - think I need to process a few things first. Anyways, back to the other night. The night ended the way it has done quite a lot lately - cross words between us, some yelling and tears (on both sides) and when it was finally quiet and everyone was in bed I sat in my scrap room processing everything that has been happening between us lately. I know that part of the reason why we clash is that our personalities are just far too alike (both a bit OCD when it comes to certain things, both have to question why things are the way they are, we are creatures of habit and we are both people pleasers which usually means we get hurt easily and a lot).
So I sat down and wrote a letter to him just to put it all out there. I know that a lot of the way things are between us is my fault, I know I could and should be a better mother to him but I tell ya, in the heat of the moment I forget that. I know that he would not understand the meaning behind the letter so I decided to hide it behind on a scrapbook layout. One day when I think he understands better and when I can deal with him seeing my emotions spilt out there on the page, I will show him but for now we are just a work in progress:
Dear Mitchell, Well it is close to midnight on Monday August 16 2010 and I am sitting out in the scrap room going over and over the last few days. Tonight has ended with more cross words between the two of us - something which seems to be happening more and more these days. I don't really know what has changed between us but all we seem to do is argue and fight. I wish I could climb inside your head sometimes so I could get to understand you better. You are such a complex little boy which makes it that much harder to know what you are thinking and feeling. You get uptight and wound-up about the simplest things and I am beginning to think that is where a lot of our problems stem from - we are just too much alike. Perhaps that is what the problem is - our personalities are just too similar. But that is not an excuse. I know I could and should be a better mother to you. I know I should not take my anger and frustration out on you. You are just a kid, you don't deserve that. Mitchell, you must be so confused about me and how I am, so I guess it is no wonder you act out the way you do - you are only acting that way I am. I am not perfect and I don't expect you to be either but I promise you this Mitchell, it will get better than this. Life is full of highs and lows. Right now things are not great but it will get better, we will find a way to work through this. Always remember that no mater that is going on between is, I do love you ever if I can't tell you or show you how I am feeling. I love you with all my heart, Mummy xoxoxo.
Wow that is a lot of emotion there. Not sure whether I should run away and hide or put it out there for the whole world to see.
Thanks for stopping by.Me xoxoxo